My incredible gift

Let me tell you about this.
I discovered something truly amazing and wonderful a few years ago.
I was at work one day, working on a job at a customer's home back when I used to live in Spain. So there I was - they had left me on my own standing outside on the large tiled balcony just outside the flat, which overlooked onto the pool area, which stood many floors down from where I was. This being, all the flats on at least this floor had an identical setup. So if I were to have looked left or right, I would have been able to see the balconies of both neighbours. This, I did, and on the right, I saw a cute little doggy, wandering around the next balcony. I saw it before it saw me - Cutest little thing, but the bastard started yapping at me. Yap yap, fucking yap.

Dogs will be dogs, yes, that's fine – but I do believe that this was at around 7 or 8 in the morning and not everyone wants to be awoken by a mangy little mutt, barking its head off manically. So what does a rational thinking person do in a situation like this? Do they retreat into the flat and hope for the dog to silence?

You see, a decent Rational Thinking Person is able to ascertain a situation under pressure and work logical steps towards both optimum achievement and the most favourable outcome. I may add that once the rational thinking person loses his or her nerve, it is much less likely for the aftermath to become a positive one.

I may have hinted at this earlier - but The Rational Person's side-kick is undoubtedly what we call 'assurance'. We must be able to calculate how accurately our action's portrayal will come into effect correctly. In other words, we have to be certain that our immediate deeds will be 110% successful before we do them.

I simply leant up against the balcony, with my elbows poised atop the rail-guard and my fingers neighbouring against my temple – and stared blankly at the dog. I began to concentrate all my powers, communicating with the dog into squelching its voice. To my surprise, after a short-lived barrage of uncertain yaps, the dog became silent.

Success, as a Rational Thinking Person, my rational thinking plan worked flawlessly, as certainty and my trusty side-kick assurance predicted.
I smugly took my arms off the rail, turned around and took a few steps forward before the dog began to get stuck in an infinite loop of barks once again. As a Rational Thinking Person, you may think that I had failed at ascertaining the outcome of the situation, right? The truth may or may not be closer to the fact that I was simply testing the grounds before finally putting my rationally thought out plan into action.

I returned to the rail-guard in exactly the position I was in, not 10 seconds ago and started to employ the same treatment. Needless to say, the beast was stunned - once more. This time, however, I held it for much longer in my hypnotic gaze. Many seconds passed before phase two of my rationally thought out plan came into fruition. I began projecting darkness and fear into the creature's soul. Images of death and negativity poured out of my eyes and into its eyes.

It was during the first attempt that I realised that the dog and I were not so different. We both knew that we had the ability to think rationally, that actions had their consequences - that for every act there is a reaction.

Upon the second phase of my rationally thought out plan, the dog began to tremble in fear as it began to understand. It understood the situation so well that it even pissed itself, quite literally on the ground where it stood - paralysed and helpless. That's when the dog learned what I was capable of and what it must and must not do to avoid harm - so I turned around and got back to work, uninterrupted by the sound of a little doggy yapping away.


True story.